Sunday, November 05, 2006


If you were Karl Rove, which elections would you fix?

OK, I've heard Bush, Cheney, Rove and (closeted) Ken Mehlman all predict that the Republicans would hold both the House and Senate in the midterm elections, the latest, by Mehlman, on Friday's PBS The News Hour.

I realize that these guys are normally somewhat detached from reality, but the polls and the pundits are telling a radically different story. So, put on the tin foil hat and pretend you're Karl Rove, brilliant turd-blossom (Bush's nickname for him, not mine) Nazi-descended political mastermind and answer me this:

If you were Karl Rove, which elections would you fix by hacking into the electronic voting machines and switching votes to ensure a Republican victory?

My Opinion (doing my best Rove imitation):

My first objective would be to guarantee a victory in the Senate, so I would hack into the machines in the largest voting districts and those with the historically best Republican bases. Pumping those should be easiest and the least detectable - though with the myriad of voting and recount legislation we've managed to slip through in the last few years, I'm hardly concerned about being found out - and most believable, in Virginia, Missouri, Montana and New Jersey. Some people think we're going to win Tennessee anyway, so I wouldn't bother with that. Montana will be a shock to some people, and those people will be mostly Democrats, but the state is so small that it will easily be passed over amid the other chaos we'll be creating.

In the House, I'd be pulling all the strings and levers for Tom Reynolds, since he's such a high profile party member and in big trouble. I don't think he can win without inside help. There are a handful of other House races, especially in Ohio, Arizona, Colorado, Indiana and Georgia that I'd play around with the numbers, but whatever goes on in Pennsylvania and Connecticut and mostly the blue states, those will go whatever way they go.

We also have same-sex marriage initiatives in 8 states - Idaho, South Dakota, South Carolina, Arizona, Colorado, Tennessee, Virginia and Wisconsin - so we may be able to change the constitution of the votes in some races and use our tried-and-true "conservative Christian turn out" explanation. It's worked before...

My overall strategy would be to save the Senate, because while the House may go over to the Dems, we need the Senate to save our own souls. It's where the real power lies and we can't give it up.

I love elections, but I can't stand the politics. Really.

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