Thursday, May 13, 2010

 

The demise of eBay, Spankings and Naughty Pictures

Editor's note: I posted this on the Seller Central message board at eBay, in response to the hundreds of thousands of sellers who are experiencing massive reductions and pageviews and thus, sales, essentially firing them from jobs at which they have worked hard for many years.

eBay, in the infinite wisdom of its CEO and leader, John Donahoe, has blundered to the point of extinction by moving all previous store listings onto the main auction site, thus flooding the system with a remarkable load in excess of 120 million items. Additionally, on or about April 1, they decided to allow items with a starting bid of less than $1 to be listed for free, resulting in even more junk and garbage being shown in their horribly flawed "best match" search results.

The exodus away from eBay has begun, and it's only a matter of time before the former auction colossus will be brought to its knees and eventually destroyed by from the inside, by the team of Harvard and Stanford geniuses who don't quite grasp the internet, the middle class or how to run a business.

Much of this is written in a kind of code. see if you can figure out what the other auction sites are.


Being a formerly good Catholic, I have to confess.

Bless me Father Donahoe, for I may have sinned.

I listed 20 items a week ago. One was a naughty magazine with a picture of Cindy Margoilis in it. She apparently lost her bikini top. OOOPSIE! Boy, is she hot, Father Donahoe.

What's that? Yes, I still have the magazine. It only got one page view over 6 days and I think that one was mine.

Huh? For my penance I must bring you the magazine? Well, OK, but I have other sins to confess.

I went and tried to sell some of the same items at a RANCH. A big ranch, not a Bonzai ranch, much bigger. The people there were very nice. I haven't sold anything, but the atmosphere is much better than here at the Church of the Diminishing eBay Lights. People are friendly and it's free to list stuff. So, that's a sin, right?

No? But it's a policy violation? And you're going to spank me?

Well, I have committed other sins. I sold some things from my own website and I know that you and your really, really smart friends have been using the term "web site" - two words - for many years, even as I kept telling you it was one word and now the AP has finally agreed that it's ONE WORD, you dumba$$.

So, Father Donahoe, you see, I've been using "website" since 1998 and I have proof. This shows that you and your friends aren't really that smart after all and the Church of the Diminishing eBay Lights is really just a big money grab for you and your Wall Street scumbag friends.

You should all go to prison for cheating hard-working Americans (and even those lazy ones) out of their money and their goods by lying to them about "improvements" which are really just big blunders and "fee reductions" which are actually fee increases, and for not allowing people to link to their websites and for splitting Playboy into Adult and regular auctions, and for not allowing downloads and electronic books and other non-tangible items to be listed on your WEBSITE, and for allowing sellers only to leave positive feedback and making feedback percentage indicative of just the past year, and for all the other stupid, moronic, insipid, petty things, like Best Match, DSRs, investigations, pink slaps, bans and favoring buyers over sellers.

Sellers pay the fees, Father Donahoe. We are your customers, NOT the buyers. Well, let me say, we were your customers, because we're all leaving and going to the MOON, or to the BIG RANCH that rhymes with Costanza, or maybe we'll just take a trip down the BIG SOUTH AMERICAN RIVER.

So, Father, I am confessing, but you and your people need to 'fess up, too. And, no you can't spank me and I'm not going to bring you any naughty magazines to look at. I'm going home and listing them on other WEBSITES, you LOSER.

Amen, amen. I'm feeling much better now.

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